Self esteem

Parents' mistakes that make children more insecure and fearful


As parents we always act looking for the best for our children; We all want to raise children who are confident and able to cope with difficult situations at various times in their lives. However, there are parents who may be committing without knowing it, mistakes that cause just the opposite, that is, they put their children in situations that make children feel insecure and fearful, endanger their self-concept, decrease their ability to respond to certain demands of the environment and even affect the way in which they relate to others.

Here are some of them:

1. Talk about them as if they were not present
Many parents underestimate the ability of their children to make their own comments that they make to other adults about them. For example: 'Carlitos is terrible for mathematics, there is no way', 'Studying with Ana is a nightmare', 'Juan is very scary', etc. If children hear these expressions coming from their most significant attachment figures has a huge impact on them And it will definitely lower their confidence, the way they see themselves, and their self-esteem.

On the contrary, if the parents express a situation regarding their children with a positive approach and without giving them a qualification when they are around, this will increase their security, their confidence and most likely they will seek to fulfill what is expected of them.

For example: 'Carlos finds math difficult, but he's great for English', 'Ana doesn't really enjoy studying, but we're designing new ways to make it fun', 'Juan is afraid of some things, but he's learning little by little to take risks and face them ', etc.

2. Compare them with their siblings or with their peers
There are parents who will compare one of their children with their siblings or with more advanced peers, hoping that this will trigger in them the need to improve, but far from it, they unleash an internal pattern of continually compare yourself to others and feel less, which leads to increasing insecurities and complexes that drag many times throughout his life.

On the other hand, when it comes to siblings this can cause the relationship between them to deteriorate. If it is a question of comparison, the parameters must always be themselves, that is, comparing their performance from one moment to another, their progress against themselves, this allows them to measure themselves and grow in a much healthier and positive way.

3. Overprotect them
There are many ways in which parents overprotect their children and all of them, far from helping them, make them insecure and fearful of their own abilities to go. facing different challenges that represents them growing.

For example: Being at school all the time solving their difficulties, getting too involved in their social conflicts, overreacting when they feel bad, doing their homework when they consider it very difficult, never leaving them alone, not respecting their privacy when they start to grow, etc.

It is necessary to be aware of everything that they are already capable of doing and encourage them to do it alone, knowing that if they need us we will be there for them.

4. Joke around with themes of your personality
Many parents find it funny make continuous teasing of some characteristic of their children. They do not find it difficult to make jokes about his nose, his hair, the way he dresses, etc. Some think that it is a way of pointing out something that does not seem appropriate or that is fun for them or that will help them to be stronger.

In no case is it positive; It is true that it is good that they learn to laugh at themselves sometimes, but that is a process that they can reach themselves if they grow up feeling accepted as they are.

5. Generate guilt
It is of course necessary that during the growth of our children we point out their mistakes and the consequences and scope that certain behaviors may have for which they must take responsibility.

However, continuously generating feelings of guilt in them for things that are beyond their reach, such as the moods or their parents' emotions, can condition their entire lives, generating apprehensions, fears, self-recriminations and insecurities that are very difficult to overcome. .

6. Decide for him
When we decide all the time for our children and we do not give them options or alternatives in which they should be the ones to choose what they want (such as what they want to eat in a restaurant, the clothes they want to wear, the gift they want to give to their friend , etc), we send them the message that are unable to make decisions properly and that they need us permanently for it, so that we contribute to making them insecure and dependent.

Probably when we want them to do it, it will be difficult for them to trust their own abilities and be evasive and fearful.

7. Encourage competition
There are many parents who would like their children to be empathetic, supportive and generous but who, nevertheless, are constantly fostering competition or competitiveness in them, making them feel that they should always be the best.

Striving to be among the best is not bad, but if we make a mistake in making it clear that it is a matter of personal effort, we can generate in them feelings of frustration when they fail to be in the first places and of envy or disqualification towards those who achieve a better result. This can affect, in addition to their security and self-esteem, the way they interact socially.

8. Underestimate your emotions
Sometimes when it comes to childhood emotions, some parents tend to underestimate them and give simple advice to overcome them: 'it's not that bad', 'that's why you don't cry', 'clean slate'. Remember that children have the same right as adults to feel hurt and to take their time to get over a situation in which someone made them feel bad.

Underestimating what happened to them and not helping them express their emotions because it seems to us that it is not so bad, it can contribute to generating in them anger, frustration and doubts about whether what they feel is really valid; all of it significantly affects your safety. In the future they can repress what they feel or allow abuse.

9. Not recognizing your effort
Each child is different and a result that could cost one almost no effort, could cost another many hours of study. All children, even if they do not show it, hope that their efforts will be recognized by their parents.

There are parents who can ignore this recognition if it did not reach their expected parameters, leaving aside their own pace and the effort that they may have put into an exam in which they may not get a perfect grade or in a competition where they did. everything, but did not achieve a stellar place.

Other parents distort a child's achievement by focusing on what didn't go so well. For example, he may have gotten a 10 but instead of congratulating him, he points out that he had several spelling errors. This feeling that your effort is not enough can generate insecurity in a child and demotivate him in the future, thinking that, in any case, despite his efforts, he will not be able to meet the expectations that are had of him.

10. Feed your fears
There are children who are more fearful in certain situations than others. In all cases, we must recognize what triggers their fears and work gradually encouraging them to overcome them, but without insisting too much, since otherwise the situation may get worse and their fears increase in intensity.

On the other hand, sometimes it is the parents who feed without wanting to, certain fears when, for example, we frequently speak about the insecurity that we currently live, or about natural disasters and their consequences; When we talk about our own fears, we are unintentionally 'spreading' them to our children, making them more fearful and insecure in certain situations.

11. Embarrass them in front of people
In certain situations there are parents who may begin to scold their children in front of other people or even their friends or who can make jokes at their expense by saying things that can embarrass them and significantly affect their safety.

We must be attentive to the signals that our own children give us when something is making them feel uncomfortable and that may be affecting their safety. On the other hand, we must permanently help them to feel accepted, capable and unique.

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